


Some have names but most do not (If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost)

by Brain_Brainson



Series: Real Names, Fake Names, Chosen Names [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Five is non-binary and that's it folks, Gen, Slight Angst?, but nothing major, don't think this is in any way timeline related, just some thoughts about Five and them struggling with their name, nb Five Hargreeves, possible first installment of a series, slight dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 03:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brain_Brainson/pseuds/Brain_Brainson
Summary: Five has only been around for a week but already Klaus won’t leave him alone.“You need a name,” he says, hanging upside down from the couch.“I have a name,” Five says.





	Some have names but most do not (If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Umbrella Academy Fic after binging the show and it's pretty self-indulgent about Five and their gender identity and I also have no concept of time, so let's just pretend they had more time to prevent the apocalypse.
> 
> Anyway, have fun reading!

Five has only been around for a week but already Klaus won’t leave him alone. 

 

“You need a name,” he says, hanging upside down from the couch, eyes closed and relaxed like the world isn’t about to end in a few days and like having to balance his head in mid-air to be able to breathe properly can in any way be comfortable. 

 

Five tries hard to ignore Klaus’ presence, but it’s a bit like a fly or a bug, flitting around and putting you on edge. Or a spider, sitting in the corner and unsettling you by merely being there.

Or maybe Five just isn’t in the right mindspace to properly compare their brother to an insect right now. 

 

“I have a name,” Five says instead, eyes locked on the table where they’ve been scribbling equations to prevent the over looming threat of human extinction. Although considering how much gratitude _hasn’t_ been directed their way, Five should maybe rethink that. 

 

Klaus sinks even deeper into the couch - like that’s possible - and makes a sound between a snort and a yawn. Then he makes some kind of lewd gesture towards the bar and Five supposes that they aren’t as alone as they previously thought. 

Klaus presses on nonetheless. “You don’t have a name, you have a number.” He bores one Finger into Five’s knee before Five can snatch it away. Five smacks his hand. Klaus hits them in the stomach lightly.

 

Five sighs. “Listen,” they say, closing their eyes and trying hard to control their breathing. There’s an itch behind one of their eyes and they can feel a migraine starting to build up to its full potential. 

“I know that when I left to fulfill my fate of saving your sorry asses, I took all the working brain cells with me-” There’s another snort but it probably isn’t because of Five’s words. “ _ Most _ of the brain cells, I stand corrected, Ben. But if any of you would care to listen to me for more than just a few seconds, you would see that the subject of my name - or lack thereof -,” they inject before Klaus can interrupt them, “doesn’t matter in the face of inevitable mass destruction. Don’t you think?”

They don’t wait for an answer, only pack their notes and get up, no idea where they should head but desperate to leave this conversation. 

 

“You’re no fun to be around,” they hear Klaus mumble, but it isn’t with the usual bratty tilt to his voice. It’s sounds more like he’s curious. Or concerned.

 

Five walks a little faster. 

 

* * *

 

Knowing that their only clue, the thing that they’ve been grasping onto since they found out about the apocalypse is a dead end, really isn’t something Five would assign to a day well spent. 

They’ve been laying on their bed with Delores in one arm, thinking. 

 

_N_ _ ot moping Delores, why would I be moping, my mastermind is just busy coming up with a new path is all.  _

 

And then suddenly Diego is sitting there, all brooding and vigilant-y and looking at Five like he’s preparing for a  _ talk _ .

 

“If this is about Delores I’ll have you know that she told me herself that she was very unhappy in that Department Store and it technically doesn’t count as kidnapping if no one is missing her.” Five isn’t sure why they feel the need to defend themselves to Diego like a little kid, but there they are. 

They blame this body, so awkward and small and never really theirs, not even when their mind wasn’t decades older than what their body lets on. 

 

Diego shifts on the bed, looking like he wants to draw his knees up to his chest but instead just flexes his hands a few times. Five wonders when Diego decided that this habit had to go, left behind like his stutter and his vulnerability. 

Five still notices. 

 

“This isn’t about Delores,” Diego says, voice soft. Somehow that doesn’t soothe Five’s worries at all, only makes their heart beat quicker. They are fairly sure that there’s sweat glistening on their forehead already. 

Diego clears his throat. “I’ve been thinking….,” he begins, looking at the door. He probably contemplates whether it’s too late to bolt now. Five hopes he does. 

But they aren’t so lucky. 

 

“I’ve been thinking about your name, Five,” Diego starts again, louder this time, like that’s gonna sound more like authority. But he falters immediately. “I mean, not your current name - that’s hardly a name at all, of course - but rather if you want to have a new name. Not a  _ new  _ name, more like a  _ real _ name. Your real name.” Diego clicks his mouth shut and breathes out through his nose. He’s said his piece, no need to ramble on. 

 

Five stares at him for a moment. 

Then. “You’ve been talking to Klaus.”

 

The way Diego clenches his jaw and looks to the side betrays him, even though he shakes his head. 

 

“Of course you’ve been talking to Klaus!” Five doesn’t want their voice to be so shrill, but oh well. It’s not like the way Diego flinches away guiltily isn’t satisfying to watch, even when there’s a tiny stab of pain in their gut at seeing their brother scared of them.

“Why else would you entertain this entirely ridiculous idea?” Five is close to talking themselves into a frenzy, but they don't care. There is nothing wrong with their name, it is no one’s business what they call themselves, no matter if they are family or not. 

 

They turn their head sharply. “Oh shut up, Delores! It’s not like you are a big help in this conversation!” No answer. “Yeah, go sulking, that’s exactly what I expected you to do! You-”

Five stalls when there’s a hand on their shoulder. “You obviously have some...things to work through.” There’s this softness in Diego’s voice again and Five is close to ripping their hair out.

“Just...I know it’s none of our business really, but we are a family. Whatever you’re going through, we’re here for you.” Diego squeezes their shoulder and Five remembers how Diego was the one they went to when they had hurt themselves as a kid. 

No one else. 

 

“Talk to us whenever you feel ready.” And with that, Diego is gone, walking out the door. Five pretends they don’t hear the whispered conversation between Diego and someone they couldn’t even pretend is not Klaus, not with the telltale up and down of his voice and the foreign words thrown in, most likely Klaus’ butchered version of german. 

Five has heard real people talk in german before, but they don’t wanna think about it. They don’t wanna think about anything really, but especially not about the fact that they feel terribly lonely all of a sudden. 

Five turns to the side, one hand on their shoulder, the other hugging their stomach. 

 

Now it’s time to mope. 

 

* * *

 

Five avoids mirrors. 

 

It’s not that they were particularly vain before, not at all. There wasn’t really that much of a chance to admire yourself when every single house was left in ruins. And after, maybe they just couldn’t stand to see their own face, look into their eyes, after all that they had done. 

 

Now it’s different though. 

 

It’s too much like  _ before _ , when time travel was something they’d been dreaming of, rather than dread. When their head were full of ideas and the world was full of mysteries to uncover. 

And when their mind didn’t fit their body at all. 

 

It was always a bit startling, really. Spending a whole day all wrapped up in your thoughts only to glance into a meaningless reflective surface and immediately feel like ice water has been splashed into your face. Or like someone just forced your eyes open and you couldn’t close them again, no matter how much you wanted to. 

Looking back, Five never was quite good with similes or metaphors. 

 

Still, no matter how they phrased it, the sense of wrongness never left, the immediate thought of ‘This can’t be me.’

 

After all these years, they thought they were over it, but it turns out that avoidance is not the same as acceptance and so there Five is, washing their hands in the sink, and trying to keep their head down. 

 

They think about Klaus and Diego and names. Names that Five could choose, names that would fit this body, fit what people see when they talk to them. 

Things that Five tries their hardest not to see. 

 

They grip onto the sink until their knuckles turn white and curses their brothers for sidetracking them. 

 

* * *

 

It’s done. 

 

The apocalypse is dealt with. 

 

Five did it. Five finally managed to prevent the one thing that has overshadowed their whole existence, influenced all their decisions. They can relax now. 

 

They finally have time to think about other stuff. Like the fact that Vanya - ordinary little Vanya - may have powers. May even be more powerful than all of them. Than Five even. 

Or that Vanya may be responsible for Allison’s current condition. 

 

Which is all very important to think about and it’s not like Delores and Five didn’t discuss this in depth (which may have more to do with Delores loving to overanalyze everything), but Five is still more concerned with Klaus and Diego and the looks they keep shooting him, thinking Five doesn’t notice and that they are being stealthy. 

 

But Five isn’t ready yet. 

 

Instead, they go to Grace. 

 

Grace who first was Mum, then turned into a distant Memory of something resembling home - their real home, with their real siblings, the ones they left at the dinner table, not the people they are now, with faces who are too foreign to really be the family Five longed for all his life, yet too familiar to just be strangers to them. 

Mum turned Memory turned Mum for a breathtaking moment when Five saw her for the first time after a lifetime, turned Grace when Five realized that even she changed.

 

Yet, Five cannot shake the feeling of vulnerability around her, not  _ before _ and certainly not now, when they are sitting next to her, looking at the paintings that frame Grace’s Life. In a sense, both of them are trapped. Five just doesn’t know, whether Grace ever wanted to leave. 

But considering how lost they feel, was leaving such a good idea?

 

They sit in silence, mostly because Five hasn’t worked up the nerve to speak yet and Grace never minded waiting. She just keeps staring at the paintings, faint smile on her lips.

 

“I-,” Five starts. They keep their eyes front but everything is swimming together. They don’t know what they are looking at actually. They don’t care that much, either.

But Five cannot stop now. 

“You gave everyone names. After I was gone. And I just-, I was wondering-.”

 

“If I also thought about a name for you.” Five can see Grace turn her head towards them, still smiling. Her tone is mild, caring. Like the perfect Mother. 

 

Five feels sick. Maybe Diego can be oblivious about it, but somehow Grace’s face keeps morphing into Dad’s, the smile flickering back and forth between mocking and comforting. 

Five closes their eyes. “Yes.”

 

Grace doesn’t even miss a beat. “Of course. In fact yours was the first. After you...after there were only 6 of you children, I thought it best for you to have something to connect you to your heritage. Do you want to know it?” 

 

Five still has their eyes closed. “Know my name?” He asks, but it’s not a question. 

They can still imagine Grace nodding, that damned smile never slipping off. Five wonders if she would still smile when they would start shaking her, shaking until an emotion would fall out, like an overripe fruit from a tree. 

 

“No thank you,” Five says instead, swallowing down scathing words that would be true, but only reach the wrong person. They open their eyes and manage to smile at Grace, trying not to show too much teeth. Being dangerous isn’t what they wanna be anymore. 

 

“I already have a name.”

 

“That’s lovely, dear,” is all Grace says and for a moment Five thinks she’s gonna touch their face but she doesn’t. She just looks back to the wall full of paintings, folding her hands in her lap. 

 

“Lovely,” Five whispers, but Grace isn’t listening anymore. 

 

* * *

 

In the end, Allison is the one who gets it out of them. 

And this time, Five can’t even blame it on her powers because what use is the ability to control minds and alter reality when you losing your voice is all it takes to render you useless?

At least Five could still jump through space mute. Or with only one arm. 

 

They mostly pity Allison, who was always the soft one, always wanting everyone to get along and trying her hardest to make everyone like her. Five wonders what happened to make her so distrusting, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Maybe it’s something about knowing that you can bend everyone’s thoughts to your liking but never being sure if you are truly liked after you did. 

 

This Family is just all kinds of fucked up. Maybe Five could still fit right in. 

 

They don’t know exactly why, but Five is on Allison duty, watching over her while the others go about their lives - their pathetic little excuses of lives - until Luther comes to take on the night shift. 

What Luther is out doing, Five has no idea. Probably thinking about the gloriousness of Dad or jerking it to pictures of the moon. 

 

The only one who really built something outside this curse of a house is Allison and yet Five believes that she may be the most unhappy one of the bunch. 

 

Five is holding her hand while she sleeps and maybe that’s why she seems so shocked to see them when she comes to. It’s not like Five was ever the affectionate one, not even when they were kids. 

And even if they were, Diego was the only one to ever see them like that.

Five let’s go of her hand either way. 

 

After the initial shock, Allison smiles at Five. Like she doesn’t have more of a reason to cry. 

And shit, when did Five become such a wimp?

 

“Hey Allison,” they say.

Believe it or not, Five kept tabs on their siblings. Mostly through Vanya’s book but the commission has a habit of keeping files on most people who are deemed interesting enough and what is more interesting than a dysfunctional family of superheroes? 

And yeah maybe that helped Five getting used to their new names after years of only ever hearing numbers. And yeah, maybe it also made them feel left out because they were still a number, even in all the old reports. 

And yeah, maybe they got obsessed with names for a while there. 

Point is, he doesn’t struggle with their names anymore, the ‘Number Three’ already half-formed in their throat before they remember. It stopped feeling unreal. 

 

Diego had been talking about real names. Five wonders if they actually feel real for them. 

They stopped wondering why the number feels real for them, more than a name ever could.

 

Allison is sitting up and Five realizes they’ve been caught up in their own head when she touches their arm tentatively. She still smiling but it’s more of an ‘I know that something’s wrong. Spill.’ smile and Five hates that even though they were born on the same day, Allison feels like a big sister to them. Like their numbers somehow dictated what role they had to fulfill - family-wise, not superhero-wise. 

Then again by that logic Klaus would be ‘older’ than they are and Klaus stopped maturing at the age of 12, so maybe that theory is flawed. 

 

“I’m gonna tell you a secret now, Allison.” Five doesn’t make a ‘Maybe you’d prefer a rumour’ joke because they may be emotionally distant but not totally cold, but also their hands are shaking a lot and they don’t know if they will get through this conversation without throwing up. 

Allison squeezes their arm and nods and Five wants to cry but that’s just ridiculous. They are older than all of them, they’ve lived a whole life already, there’s no reason to be scared. Why should Five need their approval for anything, let alone their name? 

There’s a wet sound and Five realizes that there’s snot gathering in their throat and maybe they will cry after all. Allison is close enough for her hair to tickle their face and they concentrate on that instead. 

“A few weeks ago Klaus mentioned something,” they say and when Allison makes a disapproving noise they actually laugh. “He said something clever, as hard as it is to believe. He- He told me that I needed to change my name. Pick a new one. You know. Like you did.”

 

Allison’s hair on their face is gone and Five can hear her shuffling around on the bed, reaching for the nightstand. She settles down next to them with a notepad and a pen, scribbling something down quickly. 

She shoves the notepad towards Five, looking at it with them. 

 

_ New Name? _

 

It’s underlined, like Allison is excited about the prospect of Five telling her something like ‘Yes, my dear sister, of course I picked out a new name just like that. As easy as changing my underwear, really.’

Five only notices that they’ve been frowning when Allison traces the crinkle between his brow. They jerk back, and Allison lets her hand fall into her lap. She isn’t smiling anymore. 

Slowly, she takes the notepad. Five watches as she crosses out the words, a straight line erasing them just like that. She shows it to them again. 

 

_~~New Name?~~ _

 

Five looks up at her. She’s nodding like crazy, wanting to say more than she can and clearly being frustrated by it. Five would like her to hold their hand again. They settle on nodding back. 

“No new Name. I’m still just Five.” It’s supposed to be a statement, but it sounds more like a question. Allison writes again before holding the notepad up on a new page. 

 

_ Okay _

 

This one is three times underlined. Five half wants to joke about the lack of exclamation marks but at the same time there’s a breathe leaving their body they didn’t even know they were holding. Because Allison  _ gets _ it. Or at least tries to get it. 

And for the first time Five feels like they can relax. They pat Allison’s shoulder rather awkwardly, like tears aren’t obviously streaming down their face right now. Allison doesn’t mind. Allison  _ understands _ . 

She takes their hand briefly before turning once again back to the notepad. Five peeres over her side to read what she is writing. 

 

_ Talk w Others? _

 

And suddenly, Five’s high is gone. They don’t even say anything but Allison seems to sense their discomfort. Five wonders if there’s more to her power than she lets on. Before Five can argue, she shoves the notepad at them again, new words added. 

 

_ I’ll be there 2 _

 

Five stares at the sentence. “Yeah.” They smooth their thumb over the ink, smudging the  _ e _ of  _ there _ a bit. Their voice sounds breathy.

“Yeah, I think that’d be nice.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Allisondeservesbestsisteraward2k19
> 
> If you like this, consider dropping me a comment or visiting me on https://b-rainlet.tumblr.com/ because hey, maybe this has series potential, don't ya think? And who doesn't wanna talk about Enby Five?
> 
> (I also know that the spacing is fucked up but hey, let's just pretend it isn't)


End file.
